According to Proverbs 17:6, "Grandchildren are the crown of the aged." Someone quipped that the reason to have children is so that one day we may have grandchildren. Someone else observed that we can tell how well we did in raising our children by seeing how well they raise theirs. Here are some thoughts for how we can optimize the grandparenting role – specifically, with very young children (toddlers, especially).
Effective grandparents have emotional maturity. This means, we are not counting on any relationship (not just with our grandchildren) to make us feel complete and whole. We are not requiring anyone to behave in ways that serve only to shore up our own lonelinesses or flagging egos. Our identity was bought and sealed by the love of God, demonstrated by His gift of salvation through the shed blood of His son, which has brought us all the shalom we shall ever need. Therefore, we can avoid trying to coerce our grandchildren (or any adult child for that matter) to meet a subtle expectation that they will meet our own personal needs.
Therefore, we are not dejected whenever our little grandchildren or their parents or their other grandparents seem to be eclipsing or usurping our time or affections with the child. Because we know who we are, those behaviors are not threatening to us. We are able to rise above them, and respond in love rather than reacting in the ire of damaged pride.
Our emotional maturity also enables us to avoid attempts to impose controlling behaviors on the grandchild. We realize that psychological manipulation usually backfires, to our own detriment. Thus, we will never require a child to kiss us or hug us or, really, to do anything for us that is focused on building ourselves up and raising our self-esteem. Most very young children sense much more deeply and more sensitively than they can express; they, like older people, know when someone is using them for selfish ends rather than truly loving them for who they are.
Wise grandparents cooperate with the standards set by the young children’s parents, who are the primary authorities in their lives. We reinforce the wise disciplines those parents have established for their home. If we disagree, we discuss that privately with the parents, but never contradict them in front of their offspring.
Smart grandparents (and parents!) of toddlers use few words and a whole lot of love. Rather than issuing a long diatribe, they speak a short command: “No touch.” “No eat!” The younger the child, the fewer the words we use. It’s quite similar to dog-training: short accounts and clearly communicated boundaries, with lots of praise and appropriate rewards.
Forward-thinking grandparents set their sights on developing the long-term relationship and the lifelong wellbeing of the child. This means, we impose as few commands and restrictions on the youngster as possible. It may require some advance work. If you want your grandchildren to look forward to coming to your home, you’ll provide for it as fully as your resources allow. This may mean adding an infant swing to the play area in your yard, building a fun, safe path for walks and stroller-rides, raking up a pile of dry leaves to jump into, and having in your living area a trove of terrific books and games and learning materials for each age group. Let’s take a look at a few of those in particular.
Reading to your young grandchild builds your relationship while also developing the child’s brainpower and knowledge of their world. We have about eight years to grow the left-brain/right-brain mechanics of the child’s brain (after that, it’s just a matter of filling it with more data and developing the analytical capabilities). So, the quality of the books is important. Fake AI illustrations, scary pictures, and worthless content should rule out most books from your home. Also, you can help the little tyke learn how to turn the pages carefully by starting with board books, especially tiny ones. The smaller the book, the more attractive it seems to be to some toddlers. Being able to turn the page also grants the child some autonomy, some role in the process. If they’re done with a page, let them turn it, even if you haven’t had time to read all the words. With a young child, you don’t always (or even usually) have to read the words on the page; summarize it or make up your own words that will be more quickly spoken, for their shorter attention span. And when the child wants to turn to a certain page, let them. We know a three- or four-year-old who was saved, eternally, by her fixation on the one page in a little book that was about the Lord dying on the cross. Also: compile the books that best suit your grandchild, and set them in a box or bookcase at their level where the child can select them herself.
A good way to manage your array of children’s learning materials is to store them in categories in shallow, lidded boxes that are well labeled: marble roller coaster, 20-piece puzzles, musical instruments, board books, balls, toy cars and trucks. Put away one box before getting out another one. As your grandchildren learn where those boxes are stored and what’s in them, they’ll be able to tell you which one they want. A good grandparent is often following closely behind, or at the side of, their inquisitive, eager, easily-entertained tyke – and not just when pulling these boxes in and out of the storage area.
Do you see the theme of these tips? Prepare books, toys and fun stuff well enough ahead of time so that the child will think he or she is taking the initiative when they seek out those things to interact with. It’s similar to how the Lord works in our own lives: He has brought into our lives the relationships, the tools, and the information for us to explore, thinking that it was all our own doing! We are not His puppets, and our cute little grandchildren are not our marionettes either. Nonetheless, our provisions – held in a loose hand – are a necessary vehicle for expressing the love our grandchildren can be feeling from us.
For further reading, download Renee's e-Book on How to be Very Nearly Perfect Grandparents.
