Life in our Lord: much to be perplexed about, much that is inscrutable, much to trust, much to experience, much to ponder, much to rejoice in and be grateful for, much to grieve...stretched out to the uttermost. But we grieve not like those who have no hope, leaving us alone. Never. He carries our grief like a weathered donkey, pottering along beside us, His hot breath ever near.
Some grievers do not cry at all, like my mother when my dad died. She passed from the shock stage (that initial first stage) into the grief stage with never a tear. But she couldn't remember huge chunks of the doings afterwards...the meeting making decisions in the funeral home, etc.
The varied responses of grieving individuals all bear witness that these matters are too big for our human emotions to bear...so the grief and the processing oozes out over years and years-- as anyone who has experienced it can attest.
The dread of having to be at the center of a funeral event is probably close to universal. One of its unpleasant set of challenges is the complication and pressure of preparing for it—and then there is all the effusing necessary to greet everyone, at a time when one is utterly exhausted. But then there IS the healing closure of it all...and the sharing of the best of memories (the seeing only the good side of a person...which will be what all of heaven is and earth is supposed to be: "know no man after the flesh"....) is emotionally extremely wholesome and additionally healing.
Funerals or memorials may be very healing for other people...and somebody has to embody that connection symbolically (the left alive spouse, parent or child) in order for people to process it all. So it is part of dying to self, even further, while suffering...laying oneself out for others...stretched out for just one more hour...relationally...knowing that afterwards one may at last repose in their own quiet retreat...to feel around inside of their own emotions...taking even years to process the grief appropriately and enough.
In all this, we can strive to achieve a right perspective, which starts by acknowledging that no life is perfect. God is after our total yieldedness to Him for eternity...it is what the earth walk is all about ...to train us in this...to be His future bride forever. This is only a train stop ...the full story is yet in front of us.
So take it a minute at a time for just a few more laps around these days. Trust God. He will even give you what to say (or be) to each one who comes. As the old hymn says, "When we have exhausted our hoarded resources, (in this case our fragile emotions....nothing left TO give) our Father's full giving is only begun." Hang out and just be and see what God does...to your own surprise.
Thinking of you in all the complexities of this hour...