This is shared for husbands from an older married Christian's woman's point of view, to make tough spousal moments smoother. We have observed through the years that there are two common misunderstandings among married men:
ONE: submission: whose responsibility is it?
TWO: a husband's use of a specific scripture to correct his wife.
Submission:
It is interesting to note that the concept of submission (as commonly cited in Ephesians 5:22-24) is not directed to the husband but to the wife. When a man takes this to mean that the Bible is telling him to get his wife to submit to him, the result of that misunderstanding is that he attempts to force submission upon his wife and she (since she is a "responsive being") begins to act stridently. The underlying reason is generally that she feels misunderstood and/or treated poorly and/or hurt, and the only way she can handle that in a “marital siege” is to grow more rigid. Seeing this concept of submission as the husband's responsibility (to enforce the behavior) produces a tyrannical husband and a resistant wife.
Submission is a continual godly choice a godly woman makes as she grows in spiritual maturity and as she sees the glorious fruit of it over the years issuing in far more peace in the home.
For sure, a discussion of submission is entirely appropriate between the two spouses—at peaceful moments between you, never in the heat of the moment when emotions are already out of control and the fierce fleshly desire in both parties to win is "up front and central." We must remember that we want the "marriage" to win, not for the man or the woman to win only as a "victory" for themselves.
When such moments occur (and they will, in every marriage), do whatever you can to diffuse it — to move past it. Get through it in any way you can. Lay your life down in servanthood and love at those moments and the result of your godlier attitude at that time will work upon her later in the day or night, as she contemplates the scene you two have just been through. In peace and in love a couple can talk through the troublesome dynamic they experienced earlier and can re-think a better way for each of them to have worked through that. These later discussions are invaluable for mapping out new behaviors for future "moments."
Misuse of a specific scripture upon a wife:
Scripture lies upon a page of the Word inviting us to partake of it like a banquet, as we mature and as we grow in hunger for God's ways. It is not to be used as a weapon. If someone uses a specific scripture at a moment of spousal upheaval to declare “you must do this or that,” it becomes a tool of carving on each other, to make them into our image. It becomes a searing spotlight over a victim. We were never given to each other in marriage to remake each other but to love each other in all our unevenness and flesh. To use a specific scripture upon a spouse is too scalding. It will not have the desired effect. It will have the effect of triumph for the husband (I have scripture on my side!) and increased anger for the woman (who feels that he is not seeing the core issue here).
Therefore, husbands...
Trust the Lord, alone, to use His Word in sanctifying your wife. He can do it, via individual devotions and also through regular family devotions (not cherry picked to aim at the wife). Refrain from using a particular verse to point it at her like a laser weapon in the midst of conflict. Instead, turn your own heart to developing unconditional love for your wife. Conduct yourself with kindness and steady patience at all times, but especially in the heat of "battle," and she will grow to trust you and more easily don a submissive attitude toward you.
Result?!
God — not we — makes the one flesh unity in a marriage happen. Over time you will see that you have influenced each other greatly, but at no time is that seen baldly and overtly as a result of something one person attempted to force upon the other.
For more thoughts on how to improve a marriage, read our book of Wise Womanly Ways to Grow Your Marriage.
